Life is just a phase you're going through...you'll get over it.

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets
angry, he'll be a mile away - and barefoot.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried

My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change
places.

Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage
makes you a mechanic.

Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you
make it again.

By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the
bathroom.

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be
amused.

Don't you hate it when.......

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.. I know where my watch is pal, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too".Fucking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?" No tosser, I paid $5 to come to the cinema and stare at the fucking floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you question?" Didn't really give me choice there, did you sunshine?
7. When something is "new and improved"! Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

8. When people say "life is short." What the fuck?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever fucking does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?" If the bus came would I be standing here, Knob head?