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First tip that everyone needs to know.... Dont believe everything you hear on the internet. I thought we would all have learned that by now. (I still havent) *giggle*
Girls some of these pickup lines are really bad. Dont make your user name a car make or model. LOL They all want to ride in it then. Unfortunately that comes from experience *sigh*
Guys...what is up with the a/s/l? You know how many times ive answered that question? Too many to even count. Does it really matter how old we are?? Or where we are from?? I can understand the sex part...but sheesh, I could be from mars and you would still cyber me LOL
And of course we have our little annoying creatures on chat...Listen ppl, if they really bother you...please by all means use *iggy*. Cos if you feed the fire, it will only burn stronger.
And if you have ICQ, MSN, and YAHOO on and you are also on chat, be careful. Always make sure you are leaving the right message to the right person. God that is embarrassing. LOL Also very embarrassing if done in chat. Not that im speaking from experience or anything *wink*
My favorite joke....Why cant a lesbian diet and wear makeup at the same time? Cos she cant eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on her face. Ok that was bad. hehe
A good friend is hard to find, hard to lose, and impossible to forget.
I will be constantly updating this page...so if you have any tips, tricks, or quotes, please email me and I will post them.
A Woman's Random Thoughts
I read this article that said
typical symptoms of stress
are eating too much, smoking
too much, impulse buying and
driving too fast.
Are they kidding? That is my
idea of a perfect day.
Skinny people piss me off!
Especially when they say
things like, "You know
sometimes I forget to eat."
Now, I've forgotten my
address, my mother's maiden name, and
my keys. But I've never
forgotten to eat. You have to
be a special kind of stupid to
forget to eat.
A friend of mine confused her
valium with her birth control
pills.. She had 14 kids, but
she doesn't give a shit.
They keep telling us to get in
touch with our bodies. Mine
isn't all that communicative
but I heard from it the other
day after I said, "Body, how'd
you like to go to the six
o'clock class in vigorous
toning?" Clear as a bell my
body said, "listen bitch...do
it and you die."
The trouble with some women is
that they get all excited
about nothing and then they
marry him.
I know what Victoria's Secret
is. The secret is that nobody
older than 30 can fit into
their stuff.
"If men can run the world, why
can't they stop wearing
neckties?
How intelligent is it to start
the day by tying a noose
around your neck?"
Woman's 4 Favorite Animals:
MINK in the closet
JAGUAR in the garage
TIGER in the bedroom
And a JACKASS to pay for it all!
40 Ways Women Fail In Bed
1. MILKING IT: When stroking a guy's dick don't grab it like a bus rail and
start jerking it like you were milking a cow. Don't use the penis as if it's a
piece of gym equipment to strengthen the forearms. The male organ is a thing of
wonder and beauty, and should be worshipped and held tenderly at all times. The
sensitive part is at the top (where your face should be), not two-thirds of the
way down.
2. BEING NAKED: Very few female bodies are good to look it so please make an
effort to cover up as much as possible with exotic lingerie. Match the outfit to
suit your bod. If you've got a half-decent arse but no tits for example, wear
stockings and suspenders and cover your meagre mammaries with something silky.
3. POOR PRESENTATION: Presentation is all important. Don't wait to be asked to
get it doggy-style. Roll over and present. You know you love it!
4. SILENT FRIGHT: If you've come and cannot be arsed to scream to show your
appreciation, at least make some sort of sign to inform the guy that he's done
his duty and can blow his biscuits whenever he wants. A finger up his arse
should do the trick.
5. PHONE TURN-OFF: Don't put your mobile phone next to the bed and say: "I'm
just waiting for a call from my hairdresser to confirm an appointment but we can
carry on in the meantime." Ringing bells might have turned Quasimodo on but not
your average stud with 10 pints of lager inside him.
6. NO LAUGHING MATTER: Don't laugh if your creative male lover gets carried away
and says things like "Ride my hard cock you filthy cock-sucking slut" or "Yeah,
swallow my man-custard bitch". Laughter at any aspect of the male performance
will not enhance it. Just be grateful you've got a guy who can speak whole
sentences.
7. CLOSING UP: If a man is willing to take the trouble to come on your face,
don't close your eyes. He wants you to share this ecstatic moment of joyful
union with him. Semen is not likely to cause permanent blindness in most cases -
but this is a risk you should be prepared to take for his happiness.
8. TOO BRIGHT: If the man switches the light off, it is for a reason, so please
don't insist on seeing what's going on. If he's got a bit of a beer belly or a
lovebite from a bonk earlier that day, it is his right to keep such matters to
himself. If he wants it dark so he can imagine he's shafting Natalie Imbruglia,
please understand this fascinating aspect of the male psyche.
9. HANGING AROUND: When he is done, you should not kiss and cuddle, he does not
want to touch you. You should leave the bed and leave him in peace. If you are a
one-night stand you should leave the premises without thieving anything or
asking for a phone number.
10. BEING SHY: Always offer the Marmite Motorway. If you don't like it that
much, still offer it as you can quite easily play with yourself as he rams away.
11. BEING A DRIP: You always have tissues in your bag, use them to clean his
sheets and any ball bag drippage if you have misbehaved and not swallowed
everything.
12. LACK OF MAINTENANCE: Never ask a man if he likes your body as you will force
him to lie. Men don't like fat chicks. Get in the gym and lose some weight and
tighten those buns and thighs. here is no such thing as the perfect body. 99.6
per cent of men say that even Christy, Elle, Naomi et al could still lose a few
pounds -so what chance have you got?
13. CLOCK-WATCHING: Never, ever, ever, ever even think of saying: "Are you going
to come soon." If you're doing a blowie, you'd have to take your mouth off to
utter the question. If you're giving a hand-job, you should have gone to the gym
to work your biceps. Of he's shagging you and takes more than 10 minutes you
should be grateful. This is not a time trial but a blissful act of union between
two sexually aware and gifted human beings.
14. FISHING FOR COMPLIMENTS: Don't ask him if you're the best lover he's ever
had. Most men have had so many sexual partners that it is unlikely that you are.
Please don't ask a man to lie about such an important thing.
15. PLAYING DEAD: Don't just lie there, do something. Good sex is not a
spectator sport and it helps if both parties move around a bit. I know you
expect the men to do all the hard and skillful work. We don't mind that and
we're blessed with the equipment and know-how to do it but at least put some
effort into the act to show your appreciation.
16. BEING POSSESSIVE: If you are lucky to have an imaginative lover who can
satisfy two women at a time don't sneer at or reject his exciting suggestion
that one of your friends joins you to make up a threesome. If he's a real man
he's probably shagging her anyway. Plus you might learn something from her to
keep your man really happy.
17. NOT KEEPING YOUR HAIR ON: Don't shave all your pubic hair off. It makes your
pussy look like a piece of poultry past its sell-by date. At best, it looks like
the snatch of a ten-year-old. If you want to trim, go for a nice sexy racing
stripe in the manner favoured by the Playboy models that your man would rather
be shagging.
18. SPITTING IT OUT: When a man has gone to so much trouble to ejaculate and get
his aim right into your mouth, it is rude to spit it out without savouring the
taste and gluey texture. You should play with semen like a block of Hubba Bubba,
blowing bubbles, chewing and throwing from side to side. A line like "I love it
when you come in my mouth" makes for a happy finale to fun and games.
19. INGRATITUDE: Never forget to thank a man for all the effort and energy he
has expended on making love to you - especially if a) sex has lasted more than
five minutes and/or b) you managed to achieve an orgasm. A man's role in sex is
far more demanding than a woman's so it is always nice when one's prowess is
appreciated.
20. SEEKING FAVOURS: Never contemplate taking advantage of your man's warm
after-sex glow to seek favours or make requests. As he drops off into
well-deserved slumber, resist the urge to ask :"Do you think I should buy that
dress/skirt/sofa/Mercedes/country cottage?" there is a name for the practice of
mixing sex with material gain - prostitution.
21. BED-RIDDEN: Too many women fail in bed because they insist on being IN BED.
Very few countries have statutes limiting horseplay to a designated room. Let
yourself go with some sex in the study, bonking in the bathroom and kinkiness in
the kitchen. If you're lucky, your man might imagine he's bonking someone sexy
and adventurous and he might manage a larger, harder erection.
22. SHARING NOT CARING: Whilst it is understandable that you would be excited
after receiving a mouthful of cum, do not be thoughtless in expressing your
gratitude by kissing your man on the lips. YOU like semen, HE doesn't. Be
considerate, please.
23. LETHAL WEAPONS: A guy's scrotum is a wondrous aesthetic achievement of
nature to be treated gently. Don't squeeze the balls like you are squeezing
water from a sponge. If you have long nails pull them off with pliers before
even looking at a guy's ball bag.
24. ROBOTS: When sucking a guy's dick don't just get on the end of the thing and
jam your head back and forward. It's a beautiful instrument; it should be
caressed, inspected, kissed and licked from every angle.
25. PLAYING THE NAME GAME (1) Never embarrass a gentleman by challenging him to
remember your name after he's shagged you. If he thought it was important to
remember your name, he would have.
26. PLAYING THE NAME GAME (2): Don't be angry if you're lover shouts out another
woman's name during the sexual act. Men have much more complicated lives than
women and deal with many more people at work, football club, gym, pub, etc. It's
probably just a close associate and totally innocent. Of course, he might be
shagging someone else in his spare time and it is understandable that he should
make such an obvious mistake.
27. KEEPING HIM WAITING: Don't get him all turned on and the let his proud
stiffy whither while you go to the bathroom and tone and moisturise every square
centimetre of your body. The male erection can be sensitive to 45-minute delays
while you go off to make yourself look presentable. If you must follow a strict
beauty regime, do it after he's shot his load and has started to snore.
28. TOOTHACHE: When we ask you to eat our cock, this should not be taken
literally. I know it's hard to resist but keep the tooth action to a little
nibble now and again.
29. YOU CAN'T HURRY, LOVE: If a woman is serious about good oral sex as part of
foreplay, 20 minutes is the bare minimum required to give the subtle and complex
penis a reasonable working over. Better allow for 45 minutes at least.
30. TWO-DIMENSIONAL: It's not enough to be a specialist - even in the important
skill of fellatio. To be regarded as a successful woman in bed you must have a
full portfolio of tricks. These should include a penchant for facial glazing and
a familiarity with idiosyncrasies of your man's Anal region.
31. CAMERA SHY: If he wants to capture the beauty that is you during those
special moments (so he can remember the bits he missed because he was drunk),
help him by posing in a gorgeous, pouting way for the camera or video camera.
32. UNSWEET SMELL OF EXCESS: While men are more than happy to lick the pink
clam, please give it a bit of a wash once or twice a week. You can have too much
of a good thing.
33. OBSESSIVE: The female orgasm is over-rated so don't spoil everybody's fun by
insisting on having one every time you have sex. Of course, if you do have lots,
you should feel free to announce them.
34. PERIOD PAIN (1): It's natural for a woman to beg for a good seeing to but
please do not a) pretend your period has finished or b) that it hasn't even
started. Just go without and let your man catch up with his fantasies about your
friends, his young and pretty work colleagues and the girls he shagged before he
met you.
35. PERIOD PAIN (2): Having said that (above), just because you're on the blob,
it doesn't mean his natural and healthy urges have gone away. Don't put sex off
limits for the duration of your period. Use this special time together to work
on your oral and massage techniques.
36. THE BIG SWITCH (OFF): Nothing is worse than giving a man some encouragement
and then not finishing the job. Such encouragement might be the slightest brush
against any part of his body. So if he's got a stiffy, you've got to deal with
it and take things through to their natural conclusion.
37. WAKE-UP CALLER: Men have busy and demanding schedules so please understand
if he should occasionally (say three times a week) fall asleep while on the job.
You should take it as a compliment that he feels so relaxed.
38. COVER UP: If you have lured a man to bed under the guise of being a sultry
temptress with long eyelashes and painted lips, please keep the illusion going
until he has discharged his porridge gun or fallen asleep. If you care about
him, you will make sure he never discovers the terrible secret hidden beneath
your caked-on make-up.
39. PUTTING A DAMPENER ON THE EVENING: Don't make a fuss about sleeping on the
damp patch. If God wanted men to sleep on the messy remains of coitus he would
have given us a snatch.
40. TV SINNER: The only TV programmes suitable for accompanying good sex are
hardcore porn especially involving yourself) or a football match. No chat shows
or gardening programmes to be watched. Feel free to forward it to any female you
know!
keep scrolling down guys....got a special suprise for ya. lol |
